One of the worst things you can do when it comes to romance and love is caring for someone who does not care about you.
I should know because I went through that.
When I met this guy for the first time, he made it very clear that he was emotionally unreachable. I can not say that he was not honest with me.
But somehow, even though I should have run away from him when I heard those words, that drew me even more to him.
Stupid I thought that I would be the girl who would change his views on love and relationship. I thought I was the one who would convince him to believe in love and that my love would help him change his mind.
I started to consider this guy as a kind of challenge. I thought I was the one who saved him and opened his heart to love.
I must admit that I did not take the words or deeds of this boy seriously – I assumed that he was hard to come by and that he needed more time to open up and let me into his life.
So I ignored all the alerts and warnings I received from him.
Instead, I tried to find some clues about his nonexistent love for me. I dissected every move he made and every look he gave me, trying to find crumbs of his affection and something to cling to. Every time I looked into his eyes, I tried to find a sparkle there, a clue or a sign that would tell me that man loved me.
Somehow I have lost all my integrity and pride. I had no trouble literally begging for the love and attention of this man.
And I had no problems lying to myself.
Every time this guy called me drunk, late at night, I thought it a sign of his love.
Every time he accidentally touched me, I found some passion in that touch, though there was none realistically.
Yes, it took too long for me to accept that this guy did not love me and that he would never love me.
But I finally did it. He and I spent years in this kind of relationship before finally getting things clear.
Actually, I spent years in my head while living my own life as if I never existed.
And when I finally realized that he would never be mine, that realization hit me and brought me back to reality.
But it did not bring an end to my misery.
I had a long way to go and struggled with my insecurity and self-esteem. I wondered if I could have done more so he would love me. Why was not I enough for him? Why could not he at least try to love me?
And yes, I hated him in a way because he never loved me the way I wanted.
But then, after a lot of self-observation, I realized that it was better to go that way.
Because when I think about it-the last thing I wanted was for someone to love me out of pity, and because he felt bad about me. I did not want anyone to love me just because I love him.
I finally came to the conclusion that this guy is responsible for nothing. He just could not force himself to feel something he could not feel. And there was nothing wrong with that. Yes, it was painful, but it was the reality.
And I was responsible for nothing. Yes, for a long time I was ashamed of all the things I did to make this guy love me and the effort I put into something that never really existed. But now I know that I loved a man with all my heart, and that love blinded me. And there was nothing wrong with that.
I realized that some people just are not meant for each other. I realized that some loved ones will never happen, however much we try to make them happen.
And I realized that’s all part of life.