You know you have to end the relationship, but it seems impossible. You have a dog together and maybe a house or a car. Your group of friends is involved or maybe you are working together. It might be hard to leave, but it’s not impossible, it’s unstoppable – and that’s how you do it …
1. Set up a support system
You do not have to go through this alone. But first you have to be brave enough to ask for help.
The first thing you have to do is find people who are not tied to him. This is the right time to pick up your phone and call your very best friend, mother or even your Aunt Julia. Explain your reasons why you think the relationship is over and ask for your help and support.
I grew up thinking that I had to solve everything myself. I thought I needed to know all the answers. I wanted others to see me as someone who is competent and smart. In retrospect, the maintenance of this facade was so tiring.
I wish someone had taught me this lesson earlier in my life, so I’ll share it with you now so you do not make the same mistakes as me. It is absolutely fine to ask for help.
You can not figure it all out by yourself. And you can not fight alone against the problems in your life. No one can. Even a president has a team of experts who provide information so he can make the best decisions.
Everyone needs a team of supporters.
And you too.
You need someone to go to, who will only support you and what you want; someone who does not pay attention to his own interests, but only to yours. This is a good time to get help from a therapist if you do not already have one.
2. Collect information
If you have a car together, call your bank or dealer to know your options. The same applies to your rental agreement and your joint bank account. You have to know what you are dealing with and what choices you have to make. Once you are equipped with all this information, you will be in a better position to handle everything directly.
3. Make a plan
If the break from your relationship seems daunting to you, it will help to have a plan. The next step is to sit down and go through everything you’ve learned. It is very likely that you will make some tough decisions here. Are you ready to terminate your lease?
Can you afford your own apartment? Who is better suited to take care of the dog? Will you have to buy a new car or can you use public transport? What about the emotional level of things? Is your support system available?
Think about it all and create a concrete action plan.
4. Close peace
Make peace with you, your friends and him. Give up your future plans with him and accept that it will not work. Accept that you might lose some friends doing this. And remember that he will probably be angry, but that you did not do anything wrong. Make peace with the past and accept the excuses you never got and never will. It could help you write a letter to him and burn him, write about your feelings, or discuss things with a therapist or a friend.
5. Put the plan into action
Maybe you have to save money, find a better job or even find a new home. Maybe you need to see your therapist and discuss how the breakup will be. Maybe you just have to sit down and cry. Whatever it is, start preparing for individual life.
6. You just have to unsubscribe
At some point, you’ll have to end this thing. Any plans in the world will not help you to be able to pull it off. You will have to say the word e “It’s over” . The right time never comes. From the moment you realize the cause is doomed to fail, you have to go through it, so tell him it’s over.
7. Take time to focus on yourself
Do not talk to your ex after you break up. Instead, work to build your new life. You’re probably going to be busy moving or renovating your new apartment, so use that time to turn it into a new home for yourself where you feel good. Do all the things you could not do while you were together – buy a fluffy pink blanket or cook your favorite dinner, which he hated. Get your journal and take the time to really work on your feelings. Now is the time to make sure you really take care of yourself.
8. You have to continue
Sure, it’s easier said than done, but that’s the way it is. The hard part is over and now comes the hard part. You have to create a new life for yourself and you should focus on that. You do not have to start dating immediately if you do not want to, but start considering it. You’ve been through a lot, so do not be strict with yourself. Focus on what makes you happy; Join the club you always wanted to be in or start a new hobby. That’s your life, after all. Go out and live it.
It’s going to be a tough time, but it’s more than worth it. Being in a toxic relationship can tug at your strength and leave you feeling that you may not deserve more. This is the side effect of being with a person over a longer period of time who tells you in daily doses that you are not good enough and that makes you feel like dirt. The tragic thing about it is that at some point we start to believe for ourselves.
Now the time has come to build a filter for yourself, to convince yourself that you are indeed enough and deserve the good. Be strong and do not turn around.
Good luck for your new, fantastic life without him!