Finding love and actually being ready to tackle a serious relationship are two completely different things.
Life has mysterious ways of throwing you curveballs at the worst possible times and making you suffer through immense heartbreak just when you thought you were in a stable, healthy relationship.
I’m sure that after your last relationship you swore to yourself that next time, it will be different. No more unhealthy relationships, and no more settling for the wrong people.
You’ll no longer date complete losers, and your new relationship will be a complete shift from all your previous, toxic ones.
You won’t be oblivious to all the red flags and warning signs, and your senses will be in full-on detect mode.
And yet again, you fooled yourself.
You didn’t dedicate enough time to your healing, and you jumped into a new relationship, hoping you’d finally found your true love.
But what happened was, you replaced your previous relationship with a new mistake.
Your self-esteem took a severe hit and now you’re wondering if you’re ready to date ever again.
How is one supposed to stumble upon a decent, kind person who’s mature enough to handle a committed relationship and remain loyal to the end in this day and age?
How are you supposed to find love in a world where hookups and superficial values trump kindness and respect?
Lasting love isn’t built on great looks and a hot body.
A successful relationship is made of two adult and mature individuals who have their shit together and are ready and willing to work on their issues when the shit hits the fan.
You can’t expect to have a great relationship if all you ever do is replace one bad mistake with another and refuse to own up to this troubling pattern. And unfortunately for you, that’s the kind of people you’re familiar with (the ones who are wrong for you).
How To Be Sure You’re Ready?
This dating game has become torture, and maybe, for now, you’re just not ready for a relationship—not when all you ever do is reminisce about your past relationships instead of focusing on yourself and what you actually need right now.
Not when you’re still unsure what a real relationship even is, as you’ve never experienced such a thing if you’re being honest with yourself.
You meet a great guy (or a great girl), and you let go of them as soon as it starts getting real.
Your last significant other (the one you just ended things with) insinuated that maybe you’re just not relationship material, and that shook you to your core.
Could they be right? Are you simply incapable of forming a lasting relationship?
One thing I can tell you is that if you feel like you’re not ready for a relationship right now, you’re probably right.
And guess what? That’s a mature, brave and genuine thing to be able to say.
Not many people will admit this, but sometimes you just need to press pause and figure yourself out before handing over your heart on a silver platter.
Sometimes, you need to get your ducks in order before you invest in someone who’ll inevitably prove to you that you’re, in fact, not ready for a relationship—at least not right now.
And that’s okay. That’s a sign of a person who’s ready to take control of their life; a person who’s unwilling to keep going from one stranger to another, hoping to find something that right now feels so evasive.
A serious relationship isn’t something that just magically pops up in your life.
It takes two strong individuals to build it together and then persevere in keeping it from falling apart.
If a healthy relationship is your end goal, be sure that you’re in the right frame of mind for finding it and then nurturing it.
You either need to get rid of your savior complex (when you’re perpetually trying to fix or save your partner from themselves) or heal your soul from the previous relationship that has left a bitter taste in your mouth.
But one thing is for sure. You’re going to end up thanking yourself later for taking the time to find yourself now.
We’ve all been there. We’ve all reached a point in our life where we questioned everything and doubted ourselves more than we probably should.
That’s all part of becoming the person you’re supposed to be.
Nobody has it all figured out. And if it doesn’t feel right, then give yourself a breather and think about why this might be happening in the first place.
Heartbreak sucks, but it can point you in the right direction when you’re finally ready to see what you truly need.
If at this very moment, you can relate to these 10 signs, then you’re simply not ready for a relationship right now, and you shouldn’t force it until you work on your issues.
1. You’re still dwelling on your previous relationship
You just find it inexplicably difficult to let go of your last love. You’re rehashing every little thing that happened, and you’re trying to make sense of it all.
How did you spend two years of your life with someone who ultimately caused you so much heartbreak?
And moreover—how the f**k do you still want them back after everything that went on between you two?
It’s a mystery you just aren’t equipped to handle, but one thing’s for sure. You’re still living in the past while your present is desperately trying to pull you to the right side.
Are you ever going to get over your ex? Will you ever be able to say I love you to another person and actually mean it?
Whenever you feel like you’re starting to get the hang of this whole love thing, it just blows up in your face.
And now, you’re less ready than you’ve ever been to enter a new relationship because your self-esteem is at an all-time low.
2. You’re chasing misery instead of happiness
If nobody has said this to you yet, let me be the first one. You’re just too busy being miserable to actually try and make a change in your life.
You’ve gotten so used to this jaded person you’ve become that you’ve stopped making an effort to get your joy back.
It’s so much easier being perpetually angry and resenting yourself and everyone around you for your inability to find what you’re looking for than taking matters into your own hands and putting an end to this misery.
So far—no such luck. You live in your little bubble of sadness, and you’re not letting anyone in.
Why? Because you’re afraid that they might actually push you to become better and get your shit together.
And you’re just not ready for that. Being sad is easy. Feeling sorry for yourself is almost second nature.
But making an effort and deciding to find reasons to hold your head high—now that’s a mission you’re just not ready to embark on.
For as long as that’s your state of mind, you know you’re not ready for a relationship.
Be ready to embrace joy and find that spark in your life. End this miserable chapter, and decide it’s time to move on from it!
You are the only one who can change your mindset. Burst that sad bubble and come into the real world.
There’s actual happiness here. When you’re ready to embrace it, you’ll start being ready to share it with someone special.
3. You fear outside judgment
What will your crew think about this new person you’ve started seeing? What will your peers think of them, and how accepted will your new squeeze be?
Those are all the questions running through your mind as you’re giving way too much power to people who don’t deserve it.
You want to get the hottest date. You want to be seen with someone so hot that both genders are instantly jealous of you. It’s a sad reality, but it’s just how things are.
What everyone else thinks is far more important than how this person makes you feel and if they’re relationship material in the first place.
This dating game has become impossible to win, and that’s why you secretly prefer being alone right now because that way, you at least don’t have to worry about being with someone your friends won’t approve of.
But there’s one thing you should ask yourself. Who is the person in this relationship—you or the rest of the world?
And when you answer that question, it’ll become clear whose opinion is the only one that truly matters.
4. Your bar is too high
You’re not ready for a relationship if you’ve set the bar so high that almost nobody can measure up.
Have you ever stopped and asked yourself how many amazing people you’ve let go simply because they didn’t check all of your unattainable boxes?
Finding love isn’t about finding a flawless human being.
It’s about finding somebody whose imperfections go perfectly with yours and navigating this thing called life together in the same direction, toward a joint future.
That’s the only way you’ll ever have a chance of making it work with another person.
For as long as you keep setting standards way too high and putting everyone you come across into boxes that don’t allow them to ever be good enough for you, you’ll never be ready for a relationship.
Let go of your high expectations, and give people a chance. You never know—the person you thought was so not your type could end up being the only person who truly gets you.
5. Impatience is your middle name
Sometimes, you’re your own worst enemy.
I know too many people who expect the almost impossible, and when that doesn’t pan out, they’d rather just be swallowed into the ground than give it a chance for things to work out.
You know what I’m talking about here. If you’re not married by a certain age and with no kids within a few years—you’re a failure.
And that is the most hurtful thing you can do to yourself. Give it time! Love can find you at the most peculiar time!
Just because you’re still single at 30, doesn’t mean you won’t find the love of your life before your next birthday!
Time is your friend, not your enemy. Let it do its thing. When it’s supposed to happen, it’ll happen.
You’ll never be mentally ready for a relationship while you’re giving yourself ultimatums.
That’s every relationship’s worst nightmare. It’s an organic process that you can’t rush.
Either it’s there or it isn’t. But things will happen when and how they’re supposed to happen.
Relax your mind and give yourself a break. You’ll be ready for a relationship when you finally realize that love is not a competition, and you’re in no rush.
6. You’re too hard on yourself
It’s tough to admit this, but you don’t see yourself as a catch anymore.
You don’t think you’re good enough and whenever you’re out with your crew, you can’t imagine anyone hitting on you as you’re clearly the least attractive person of the bunch.
Your own mind is playing tricks on you by convincing you that you’re less worthy than everyone around you.
Your mindset is anything but ready for a relationship because with that attitude, you’re not being kind to yourself.
So how are you supposed to be kind to your significant other?
How do you expect to make another person happy if you can’t make yourself happy? That’s right—it’s a mission impossible.
Which is why you need to do a full 180. Shift your perspective. Look in the mirror and decide to find at least three things that you love about yourself.
Embrace your flaws. Accept your quirks.
Deal with your tough exterior, and work on becoming kinder, softer and more accepting of yourself. That’s the only way to a serious, healthy relationship.
7. You keep gravitating toward the same type of person
When you become accustomed to being around a certain type of person, it subliminally becomes a habit to keep going for the same type every time you enter the dating pool. And that’s what’s stopping you from finding true love.
How can you ever actually find your soulmate when you keep going for the same type of person?
This all comes down to the fact that you believe that’s what you deserve.
This type of person who’s clearly not good for you is all you know, so you can’t imagine deserving someone better.
It’s easier that way. You know your way around this specific behavior, and it becomes second nature to keep coming back for it. And then you wonder why you’re not ready for a relationship.
It’s obvious! You’re not giving yourself a chance to experience a real, happy union.
You keep ignoring the red flags and denying what you know deep down (that it’s doomed from the start), hoping it ends up differently this time.
But it never will as long as you keep refusing to recognize your own self-sabotaging methods. Seek someone better and better you shall receive!
8. You need a partner to feel fulfilled
Let me tell you something: a romantic partner is not in charge of making you feel fulfilled.
They’re here to make you feel comfortable no matter how you feel (sad, happy, anxious, angry… etc.). If you don’t feel whole on your own, don’t expect anyone to fill that void—that’s your job.
You’re not comfortable being alone, and you need a partner to change that. But guess what?
That’s not going to happen because nobody is in charge of your inner happiness but you!
Make yourself happy. Find that thing that makes you feel alive, and reinvent yourself if that’s what it takes.
Dig deep into your soul, and find a way out of your rut.
Only after figuring out why you’ve been feeling so empty and distant will you find a way to change that and take your love life into your own hands.
You’re not ready for a relationship because you’re too scared to face your inner demons. But the sooner you do—the greater your chances of finding that happiness you’ve been dreaming of.
9. You’ve got a savior complex
Some people develop a savior complex due to a quenching need for drama in their life. Instead of pursuing a person whose heart will match yours, you keep looking for a project that needs fixing. And you keep finding them.
You need drama because you can’t function differently.
You’re so used to things being chaotic and needing fixing that you’ve turned something as pure as love into something complex and draining.
Stop trying to save people, and start saving yourself.
A lasting love will never thrive if based on a need for constant saving and fixing. People aren’t perfect, but it’s also not your job to make them so.
You might think that this is what you need, but it’s far from it. You’ll end up inviting trouble into your life, and one day, you’ll simply realize you’ve bitten off more than you can chew.
You’ll find yourself a true project. But is that really what you want?
Of course, it isn’t. You’re just scared to admit it because you don’t feel you deserve a person who can stand on their own two feet.
But you do. You may not be ready for a real, intimate, committed relationship yet, but when you start changing your ways, you’ll start getting much closer to that goal.
10. You keep trying to accommodate everyone’s needs
You know this to be the case when you notice your behavior changing depending on who you’re with.
You can never be your true self because you don’t think that person will be good enough for a potential partner.
So you change how you dress, talk, and behave in ways that accommodate the needs of the person you’re with.
You’re ignoring the red flags that are so clear, and you keep going against yourself to make someone else accept you.
But what you need to do here is recognize the warning signs, and stop compromising yourself to make someone else happy.
Ask yourself when the last time you were happy with yourself was.
When was the last time you did something because it was what you wanted?
If you find that the answer is not for a long time, then you’ve got a real problem.
Not only are you not ready for a relationship, but you’re in serious need of making yourself happy with who you are, as opposed to who you think you’re supposed to be!
What you are doing is emotionally unhealthy and draining. You’ll never do right by yourself if you keep trying to please others.
Be who you are and don’t try to hide that person. When you accept yourself fully and completely, the other people will do that too!
When You Know You’re Ready…
- You stop comparing the past with your present, and you’re focused on what the future might bring. You’ve made peace with how your last relationship ended, and you’re healed from that heartbreak. Yes, it’ll take time to be fully recuperated, but you’re taking all the right steps.
- You don’t care what your friends, colleagues, and irrelevant people might say. You’re in this thing because you want to be with that person, and nobody can tell you otherwise. You’re the one who knows them, and everything else is just white noise.
- You stop rushing love and no longer put impossible limitations on yourself. When it happens, you’ll embrace it whole-heartedly. But if you’re still single at 30, you’ll be just as happy because you’d rather be happy and alone than with someone who’s only okay.
- You’re completely happy with who you are as a person. You love your flaws and you don’t judge yourself for gaining those 10 extra pounds. You know you’re only human, and as cliche as it may sound, it’s what’s on the inside that truly matters.
- You don’t need anyone to save you, and you’re open to dating people outside your comfort zone. So far, your type has brought you no luck, so it’s time to test the waters and explore what else is out there. And frankly, you’re kind of excited to find someone you’d never imagine being with! It just might end up being that one thing missing from your life.