I needed to leave for my own sanity. I could not keep dealing with the trauma you put me through. I had no other choice.
I do not feel guilty about walking away from you — but other people are trying to make me feel that way. They have heard your side of the story and believed every word of it. They have seen your sad eyes, they might have even seen you cry, and have fallen into your trap, feeling bad for you.
Whether you are trying to or not, when you make yourself look like the victim, you are making me look like the bad guy. The bitch. The ungrateful girl who decided to rip your heart out of your chest instead of taking the high road and forgiving you.
These people do not understand how many chances I have already given you that you have blown. They were not there to witness the way you treated me behind closed doors, because if they were, if they knew, then they would walk away too.
It sucks because you are still bringing me stress, even though you are out of my world. You are still finding ways to screw with me. You are still ruining everything.
Walking away from you also meant walking away from all of the friends and family members who chose your side (or who acted like they weren’t choosing any side yet continued to bring up your name in every conversation). I cannot associate with those people anymore because every time we talk, it becomes about you.
It sucks because these are people who did not do anything wrong except love the both of us. I did not want to leave them behind but keeping them around meant keeping a part of you around. It meant listening to their secondhand stories from you. It meant seeing the judgement in their eyes when they mentioned how much you missed me and how horribly you are doing without me. It meant feeling your manipulation from afar, because that’s exactly what you’re doing. Manipulating them into guilt tripping me. Manipulating them into thinking you deserve me back.
It sucks because you are the reason why I am losing so many people who once mattered to me. You are the reason why I am never going to see them again. You are the reason why I am coming across as a total bitch because not only did I walk away from you, but I walked away from a bunch of you and no one seems to understand why.
It only makes your story seem more believable. It makes it look like you were right all along, like I am some selfish person without a heart. Like they were correct when they chose your side, like they did the right thing.
It sucks because cutting you out of my world meant losing other people that I loved too. It meant saying goodbye to an entire side of my life that I never wanted to sever.