I used to think that time was all I needed to feel better.
I thought healing was moving up the scale with each new day at the same speed towards something better—something less painful.
I thought that is how it’s supposed to be. Enduring the pain, and trying to move on with your life, fighting hard to believe that each following day is better.
But, it’s not.
Healing doesn’t work the way I thought it did.
You should think that after so many times of being stuck in the same circle of pain and self-pity, I’d learn to be better and smarter about it.
I wasn’t smarter, and I wasn’t better. I made the same mistake over and over again.
I thought I would heal just because I have to. I thought I would get better from one day to another.
But healing isn’t like that at all.
There will be days or even months that seem endless and stagnant.
On the other hand, there will be days where you’ll see progress you haven’t seen in months.
Do you get it now?
Healing is not a process involving rules and a certain timeline you have to go through.
There is no starting at the bottom and working your way up at the same speed and the same consistency.
Time alone won’t make things better. Actually, the whole ‘getting better’ thing depends solely on you.
It depends on how strong you are, how long will it take you to pick yourself up, and most importantly, your ability to stay positive and willing to move on.
It depends on the days and the mood you’re in. We’ve all been through bad days, regardless whether we’re healing or not.
Even when we aren’t, bad days are bad on their own.
So, going through the healing process on bad days simply cannot be positive. Somehow you have to create wonder to make those days endurable and not so bad.
You have to understand that healing will get ugly.
It will take your self-esteem, your self-respect, and it will make you doubt your abilities . More importantly, it will shake your confidence and your will to win.
Healing isn’t constant. It goes up and down; it’s like a rollercoaster. It’s unpredictable and extremely painful.
Your already wounded heart and your sensitive soul cannot ride on one more emotional rollercoaster.
It’s devastating and painful as hell. It’s not something you can handle at this point.
But you mustn’t fall under pressure. You mustn’t give up.
Even when you feel like you’re drowning in a sea of self-loathing and guilt, you mustn’t give in to your toxic feelings and thoughts.
After all, there will be days when healing won’t hurt as much and when you’ll feel like you have everything under control.
There will be times when you’ll think everything will be okay.
You have to embrace those days, and hold on to them tight. Those days are the key to your healing.
Make sure those days last as much as possible; make sure you feel positive and hopeful.
While you’re in the good phase of healing, you’ll notice people who love you.
You’ll appreciate their help, and you’ll take their love both-handed without even thinking about it.
You’ll feel like you can do this. You’ll be confident and determined to get through this rough period.
When you’re in your bad phase, you’ll push people who love you away from you.
You’ll deny anyone’s help and support which will make you feel even more alone. Then, it’s so much easier to fall into the depression and self-judgment pit.
It takes time to heal, yet you never know when it will happen.
It takes one small trigger to get you sobbing and break down, to get you to release every toxic thing out of your system.
It can happen when you least expect it. It can happen in the middle of the night because of a strange dream.
It can be triggered by something or someone you see. The point is, it punches you in the heart, and in those moments, you have to stay all together.
But all that pain is worth that one sincere and huge smile you crack on your face. It’s worth every tear and every stab in the heart you felt.
That smile is the first sign you’re actually getting to a state where you want to be—healed and happy.
Healing begins and ends in periods. The important thing is that you stay calm all the time.
Calm and rational. You have to believe in yourself and your ability to feel better, to become better.
You have to believe that you won’t drown in self-pity and depression.
Every day is a battle when you’re healing. But you’re not gaining strength in vain. That strong will and strength won’t disappear once you get better.
It will stay a part of you, a part of your character. It will be a lesson you’ve learned and a piece of past you’re carrying as a reminder of what not to do.
Until then…hold on. Endure the pain because it eventually ends. Just be strong and build the person you want to be for the rest of your life.