Call me a modest or unambitious woman, but the truth is that I don’t have many goals in 2020.
No, I’m not aspiring to become filthy rich, to change my job or to lose weight because the bottom line is none of these things matter.
Besides being healthy and surrounded by the ones I love, my only wish is to start the next year without you.
This might sound surprising, knowing the fact that you haven’t been by my side for a long time.
However, despite your physical absence, the truth is that there wasn’t a single day in 2019 on which you didn’t cross my mind.
So, even though you’re not actually around, you’re very well present inside of me.
You exist in my thoughts, heart, dreams, prayers, conversations and every part of my being. You’re following me around from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep.
Our past and the way you walked out on me are still haunting me to this day. I’m still waiting for an explanation, for some kind of closure or for an approval that I mattered.
The hell with it—I’m still waiting for you to come back.
I’m still standing in the same place you left me, waiting for a miracle, for a late night phone call or at least a sign that I exist inside of you, as well.
I’m still waiting for you to be the man you were ages ago. For you to tell me how sorry you are for allowing me to live all these years without you and for letting me go.
For you to tell me that you’ve been searching for me in every woman on your path. To beg for my forgiveness and to truly understand all the pain you caused me.
Waiting for the time when you’ll come back to me, without the intention of ever leaving again. For you to realize that you’ve loved me back all along.
Sounds foolish and unrealistic, I know.
Therefore, all I wish for is to leave these feelings behind me in the past year. I want to stop loving you, stop waiting for you, and stop remembering you.
When the clock struck midnight, I wanted my final thought of you to disappear for good.
That I would never ever think of you, that I would never run into you, that I would never hear a song which might remind me of you and that nobody would mention your name in my presence.
With every chime of midnight, I wished for you to be wiped off my memory, as if you were never a part of my life.
I wanted to stop replaying our entire relationship back and forth in my head, trying to come up with some sort of conclusion.
To stop thinking about all the things we could have accomplished and stop imagining how my life would have looked by now if you had chosen to stay.
I wanted to get rid of resentment and anger. To stop hating you, to stop hoping that karma will repay you for everything you did to me.
No, I don’t have to find someone new in 2020. I don’t have to necessarily fall in love with another man—I just want to fall out of love with you.
At the clock struck twelve, I wanted this all-consuming pain in my chest to go away. For this sadness to disappear and for these tears to stop falling down my face.
I wanted to sleep peacefully at night, without thinking whether you’re okay and without worrying for your sake.
I prayed to God that I would have the strength to get rid of your spirit this year. For all of my past demons to stop haunting me and for me to finally move on, as I should have done ages ago.
I prayed to become happy this year. And that can’t be possible until you cease to exist inside of me.
Basically, what I’m trying to tell you is that you have blown all your chances with me and that from now on, it will be too late for you to do anything.
As midnight struck, I promised myself that there would be no more coming back into my life every few months just to check whether I’m still there, no more showing up on my doorstep asking for help when everyone else abandons you, and no more counting on my unconditional love and support.
In 2020, there will be more me and hopefully, no more you in my life as well.