I’ve run out of reasons to run away from you. I’ve tried so hard to find something, anything that will be a strong enough reason to walk away from you, just so I don’t have to face my fear. But I have nothing. You shook me to my core, making all of my walls tumble down while I was trying to rebuild them, catching bricks of old pain that I so patiently stacked until they were thick and high enough to protect me. And you were still there, making sure that I was safe, making sure to keep me warm, now that the hurricanes of life can touch me again. You were simultaneously the earthquake that split me into pieces and the glue that held me together.
I’m so scared of falling apart again. But you already know that. You already know that every time I pull away, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I’m afraid of your touch. I’m not used to being touched gently, touched in a way I can actually feel loved. I’m not used to being held when I’m broken. I’m not used to feeling loved, but you love me. You are still here, you are holding me. You are my biggest fear and the source of my courage.
I’m so scared of being hurt again. I’m just afraid that if I get hurt once more, I won’t be able to get back on my feet again. I’m so afraid of being manipulated again, of being intoxicated and twisted. But I trust you. For crazy reasons I can’t even put in words, I trust you. I trust you when you say that you will never hurt me. I trust you when you say that you will always be here. But as the night comes crawling back to me, my fears are here again, screaming and echoing through my mind. Pinning me to my bed, chasing away my peace and dreams. But you are still there. Holding me, kissing me back to sleep.
I’m scared of loving again. Of not being loved back. Of being taken for granted. But why do I love you? Why do I trust your words? What’s so special about you that makes my walls tumble down?
It’s the feeling of calm I feel when I’m with you. It’s the warmth in my soul I feel when I look into your eyes. It’s the feeling of my hand in yours. It’s the feeling that I finally belong somewhere, that I belong in your arms. It’s the feeling of your heartbeat when I’m laying on your chest. It’s the feeling I get when you lean your head on mine, telling me how I’m your ‘little pumpkin’. Telling me how I’m the best thing that has happened to you.
It’s the patience you have for me. It’s the strength you have for my demons. It’s the way you are ready to fight my wars, because they are now yours, too. Every time I run away, you’re waiting for me. Every time I laugh away your words of love, you make me feel them.
I no longer can see the woman you do. That’s the woman that was broken, beaten to death. The woman I locked up behind all those walls that you tumbled down. But you see her. You see her fire, her passion and her beauty. And every day, every morning, you make sure that I see her, too. You saw every flaw of mine, but you kissed them anyway. You saw my scars and mended them with your love. You saw my bruises and healed them with your gentle touch. You saw oceans of sadness in my eyes and learned to swim in them, so I’m not alone anymore.
Loving you. Letting you in. Having you by my side is still the scariest thing I imagined myself doing. It still frightens me to death, but I’d rather die in your arms, than live without them. I choose to fight every day, just to see your eyes once more. Just to feel your heartbeat and to hear you one more time calling me ‘Pumpkin’. I’m scared as hell to love you, but I’d rather be afraid with you than brave alone.