“My boyfriend broke up with me. What do I do, say, and how do I deal with this?”
If your boyfriend just broke up with you, I want you to know that I understand the complexity of emotions that you feel at the moment.
I understand your pain and this uncontrollable urge to tell him everything what’s on your mind.
I understand your wish to yell, scream, and cry until your eyes start feeling sore.
I understand how you feel because I’ve been there, and that’s why I’m sending you my virtual hug (I know when I was feeling this way, even a virtual hug would mean the world to me).
All you’re able to do is rewind all those happy and less happier moments you had together—your first kiss, first touch, first lovemaking, your first fight, and especially, all the things that happened at the end of the relationship.
When you go through a breakup (especially after a long term relationship), all you’re able to do is press the rewind button and start searching for all potential red flags (that you somehow missed while in the relationship) and let this feeling of confusion flood every pore.
And how wouldn’t you? After all, at one point, he meant the world to you, and now, all of a sudden, this world has become just a distant memory.
You still love him and hate him at the same time, and you can’t decide which of the two feelings you should give permission to prevail.
One moment, you feel like the situation is utterly hopeless and that the world has just ended before your very own eyes, and the other moment, you feel like there is still something in the air, something unsaid, something true that needs to be brought back to life.
You feel like there is still a way to make things work, and being intoxicated by this feeling, you subconsciously decide that you will try to fix things by reaching out to him to tell him that he’s making a big mistake and that you’re meant to be together.
But, then, when you think of all the possible scenarios and outcomes once you say this, you immediately freeze and give up on the very thought of doing it.
Texting him is out of the question. Stalking him on social media will just prolong your heartbreak. Reaching his close friends or your mutual friends will make you look miserable.
You realize that you have no choice, no alternatives, and no idea how to deal with all of this.
And that’s how you got here. By typing “My boyfriend broke up with me” in Google, you subconsciously decided to look for help, which is the first step in dealing with this situation like a boss!
And I want you to know how glad I am that you did it (because as I’m writing this, my determination and sheer will to help you and make your heartbreak as painless as possible is really strong within me).
So, what should you do next?
The first thing you should do is accept the fact that he broke up with you instead of seeing it as something utterly destructive.
I know this may sound weird to you, but the sooner you accept it, the sooner you will start seeing things more clearly.
And understanding things means knowing how to deal with them in the first place.
Let enough time pass to pacify your emotions and help you accept the situation (at least with one half of your broken heart).
After that, you can think about two possible solutions: moving on for good or getting him back.
I gave you these two possible solutions for a reason because not everyone’s breakup situation is the same.
Some breakups happen because two people simply weren’t meant to be together. Some breakups happen to teach you a valuable lesson, so you can make things right again. But, one thing is sure.
His decision to break up with you didn’t happen overnight!
I would be mean and unreasonable if I said that he’s the only one to blame. In every relationship, both partners have equal responsibility for the breakup, regardless who proposed going separate ways first.
There are some things that you’ve said and done when you shouldn’t have, and there are some things that he’s said and done when he shouldn’t have. (And that’s perfectly okay, unless it’s about cheating).
Those things are either big or small, or totally irrelevant at the moment.
But in the end, it’s those things that have influenced further growth or stagnation of your relationship. It’s all those little and big things that have led you to this heartbreak.
So, his decision to break up with you didn’t happen overnight, but it was there, hovering over your heads for a long time now, and you had a hard time acknowledging it and accepting it.
You didn’t pay much attention to all those red flags that were right in front of your nose, to all those situations that were destroying your relationship bit by bit.
You wanted to believe that it will pass, or you decided to continue living with it, believing that it’s not a big deal. And then, when it happened, you were shocked.
Even though you knew that it would eventually happen, you were still shocked because you simply didn’t expect it. (And who would?)
Even if he had told you in advance that he might break up with you someday for some reason, you wouldn’t have believed it, and you would definitely not have come prepared for it.
When the person you’re still in love with tells you that it’s over, there’s nothing you can do but lock yourself in your imaginary safe haven and observe from there, from a safe distance from the real world.
But, that’s exactly what you shouldn’t do! It’s time you deal with things like the big girl that you are, and I will make sure to help you with everything you need!
So, the first part or the first thing we’ll do is go through some possible and most common reasons for why he broke up with you so that you have a clear insight of everything.
It’s important that you first understand why he broke up with you, and then we will move to the second part where we will go through things that will help you move on or get him back if he’s the right one for you!
With mutual effort, we will make the best of the situation, and all I want from you is to take a deep breath and promise me that you’ll read everything till the end. Okay?
Okay, let’s get started!
PART ONE: 9 POSSIBLE REASONS WHY HE BROKE UP WITH YOU
When we’re going through a heartbreak, it’s hard to focus on all the possible reasons for why our partner broke up with us in the first place.
All those draining emotions that you’re going through are blocking your clear thinking and observing the situation you’re in.
And for that reason, here’s the list of possible and most common reasons for why he broke up with you which will help you understand things better and help you focus on the root of your problem so that you can heal sooner and act accordingly:
1. His “feelings” have changed
If someone had given me a dime for every time I’ve heard that famous sentence: “It’s not you, it’s me”, I would be richer than Oprah by now.
Joking aside, but this is exactly what’s going on in the majority of cases when a partner’s feelings all of a sudden change.
The main question is why feelings change over a period of time? What causes them to lose that initial spark and power from the beginning of the relationship?
And the number one reason why this happens is falling into a rut, feeling too comfortable around each other which results in both of your to stop making an effort as you used to do before.
Remember when you two first met and you would spend tons of your time in front of a mirror trying to find the perfect combo to impress him?
And he was probably doing the same at his place before meeting you. You were so anxious about impressing each other, and you wanted everything to be as perfect as possible.
And then, after some time in a relationship, you reach a point of total casualness, and you simply stop trying to impress each other.
When you reach that point, your feelings start changing because you feel that you’re no longer with the same person. You feel as if you’re with someone whom you’ve known for your entire life.
You get bored of repeating the same drills again and again like watching the same TV show, eating in the same restaurant. You get stuck in a rut without even being aware of it.
So, if he told you that famous sentence: “It’s not you, it’s me”, then you know this is exactly what’s going on.
The only question is if you two are still willing to bring the old spark back into your relationship and try again.
2. You aren’t compatible (anymore)
As being human beings who want it all and want it now (as said by Queen in one of their songs), when we like someone, our affection for them can go to the extent of rushing things and jumping too fast into a relationship.
When we idolize someone, we see them as a perfect human being.
We instantly forget about all past relationships, and all we want is to jump into a new one and be with the person we’re so crazy about.
Just because we like them so much, we’re convinced that we’re compatible and that they’re the one for us. Or we jump into a relationship for all the wrong reasons.
Perhaps his ex girlfriend has left him a couple of months ago and what he had with you was just a rebound relationship.
Deep down in his heart, he knew that the end will come, but he didn’t know exactly when.
When you enter a relationship too fast or for the wrong reason, its end is simply inevitable.
But, this doesn’t mean that the relationship is totally doomed. If there is love and if there is still effort, things can still change.
Remember: Where there is a will, there is a way! (I recently bought a hoodie with that inscription, and I swear to God, I’ll keep wearing it till the rest of my life to keep reminding myself that anything is possible if you’re determined and if you want it with your heart and not only your mind.)
3. Stressful events outside the relationship
Every single problem in a relationship belongs either to a category called ‘internal conflicts’ or one named ‘external conflicts’.
Internal conflicts are about things that happen in your relationship, about things that you argue most over, and things that subtly destroy the balance of a relationship.
But, if there were any internal conflicts, you would definitely be aware of them.
External conflicts are stressful events outside the relationship, and many people forget or they’re not familiar with the fact that these stressful events can greatly impact your relationship as well.
For example, if your ex has always been working too much without ever asking for a couple of days off (even when he’s feeling sick), if he’s just found a new job that he doesn’t really like that much, if his previous relationship is constantly haunting him (read: if his ex girlfriend is onto him), if he has problems in his family, with his pet, with his friends and similar, he will bring all that negativity and stress into your relationship as well.
As a result, he will not be interested in spending a romantic night with you or doing anything with you.
You notice the lack of touch, kisses, and all the things that you used to do before.
He no longer showers you with affection because he’s too occupied with other things going on his life and in his head.
And as a result, you start feeling like you’re not good enough, like he’s not giving you enough attention and avoiding you on purpose.
Your relationship becomes lifeless and soulless, and that is when he decides to break up with you and tell you that things are no longer working between the two of you.
(Also, this situation could be vice versa as well.)
4. An accumulation of unsaid words and disagreements
If you’ve been in a constant disagreement with your ex-boyfriend before he broke up with you and especially if you end things up with a fight, then you know there is some serious amount of accumulated unsaid words, and all the things that were bothering you both on a subconscious level.
Every relationship is unique, but do you know what every relationship has in common? Conflicts. In every relationship, there are times when you will want to scream, yell, and literally kill each other for some reason.
And there are times when everything will be in perfect order.
And every time you think about saying something or discussing something with your partner or vice versa and you decide not to do it, you create a bigger and bigger gap between you.
All the unsaid words start to accumulate, and eventually, they have to burst out somehow.
The same thing goes for disagreements. It’s perfectly normal that two people don’t agree on everything, but that doesn’t mean you can’t compromise.
If you’re both determined to only push your own agenda instead of listening to the other side and trying to find some mutual things that you actually agree on, your relationship becomes filled with toxicity due to unresolved matters. Your relationship ends before he even decided to end it in the first place.
5. He got scared because the relationship is moving too quickly
When a guy ends a relationship before it even starts officially, women often think that it’s because they are afraid to commit.
They classify the guy as the ultimate commitment-phobe because there’s simply no other logical explanation for what he’s just done.
But, trust me, there is. In 99.9 % of the cases, when a guy decides to end things early on, it’s because he got scared of the fact that the relationship was moving too quickly.
Maybe he got scared of your decision to sleep with him on the first date, of you wanting him to introduce you to his family and best friends the next day, demanding that he keeps sending you text messages even when he’s busy, or neglecting your own life only to hang out with your significant other.
Maybe he felt pressure from your side because you kept pushing him to welcome you into his life by force instead of following the natural path.
And, because of that, maybe he realized that this new life with you is not something he actually wants or enjoys, and that’s why he decided to replace the title of you being a new girlfriend with one of being an ex girlfriend.
Think about the first time you met and how things developed from that point. Think about the last time you talked to him.
Has he ever given you a clue that he felt like the relationship was moving too quickly? If yes, then you know this is exactly what was happening this whole time.
There’s no excuse for cheating. If you cheated on your now ex-boyfriend, then you already know the reason why he broke up with you.
But, there is also a possibility that he cheated on you, but didn’t tell you. And his guilty conscience haunted him for so long that he needed to do something about it.
He couldn’t live with the fact that he’s been with another woman, that he lied to you behind your back, and maybe that’s why he was the one to initiate a breakup.
Now, how will you know that he cheated on you?
The most common signs of a partner’s infidelity are excuses like Honey, I didn’t make it last night, last week, or last month because I needed to stay longer at work; spending time on dating apps (secretly); or being in a long distance relationship (this happened to my friend and her ex fiance who cheated in the first year of their relationship).
In case he really cheated on you, there’s no need to even try to get your ex back or give him a second chance.
The right decision would be doing the following: the No contact rule, blocking him on Whatsapp and other social networks, and letting go of him for good regardless of whether you’ve been in a 2 year relationship or a 10 year relationship.
7. Making him your only priority
When you’re deeply in love with someone, it’s so easy to start focusing only on them and start prioritizing them to the extent of neglecting everyone around you, your hobbies, and things you used to enjoy before. But, relationships can’t function that way.
When this happens, there’s a huge imbalance in a relationship where one partner is constantly going out of their way to do everything for the other.
And the other, as a result, starts feeling trapped, and soon they decide to break the pattern by suggesting a breakup.
If the majority of the time you focused only on his needs, his problems and everything that was going on in his life by neglecting yours completely, then you know you’ve made him your only priority which was not healthy, neither for you nor your relationship.
In the long run, this can seriously harm your self-esteem as well to the point where you lose your own identity.
So, if you suspect this was the case, it’s important that you first work on finding yourself again and then, if you still want, suggest that you try being together again.
They say that in order to love another human being, you need to first learn to love yourself.
You need to keep maintaining your connections outside your romantic relationship and keep on enjoying things you used to because that’s who you really are, and that’s whom he fell in love with.
8. He thinks there’s something better outside the relationship
This is also known as The grass is greener syndrome. It’s when you think that there’s always something better than what you already have. It’s when you think that you would be happier with someone else than with the person you’re with at the moment.
And maybe that’s what your ex thought as well. Maybe the reason why he broke up with you is because he constantly thought that there’s something better outside your relationship.
This happens a lot, and in most cases, it happens to men who are not that experienced. They have this constant anxiety that they’re missing something out there.
But, this is not a valid excuse for sure. There’s no way you can tame a man or be with a man who is constantly on the lookout for something better, greater.
You don’t want to turn into an overly controlling woman whose main priority is stalking her boyfriend.
You want to unfriend him on all social networks, keep living your best life, and let him aimlessly continue searching for “perfection”.
And I can assure you that he’ll never find what he’s looking for because he himself has no idea what he really wants.
Even if he was with a Victoria Secrets model in a relationship, he would still think that there’s something better.
It’s a serious issue, and it takes a lot of time to deal with this syndrome. It takes a lot of practice and time for one to learn to appreciate what they already have.
9. Long-distance relationship
Or maybe the reason why your boyfriend broke up with you is because you were in a long-distance relationship for some time.
This means more texting and less quality communication in person, more spending time on social media which is the main culprit of all the potential jealousy outbursts, and all that means the weakening of both your emotional and physical connections.
From my personal experience and the experience of people close to me, I can tell for sure that not many people can overcome long-distance relationship challenges.
Mostly, it ends up with a wish to have a normal relationship with someone whom you can see more often and whom you can feel next to you.
That’s why, most of the time, a long-distance relationship results in infidelity.
And this has nothing to do with how strong your love is. It’s mostly a question of your character and personality.
For example, if you’re an extrovert, you will naturally be inclined to go out more often and to search for other connections which may result in completely forgetting what you already have and focusing on what you can have at the place where you are at the moment.
But, there’s no need to worry because this doesn’t have to be true in your case.
Perhaps your long-distance relationship has expired naturally, and the only thing you could do is to go your separate ways.
Perhaps your boyfriend couldn’t endure it any longer, and he decided that splitting up is the best decision for the both of you.
PART TWO: MY BOYFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME: WHAT TO DO NEXT?
Now that we’ve gone through the possible reasons why your boyfriend broke up with you, it’s time to focus on what you will do next! This part will cover the main things you should focus on if you want to move on for good, or if you want to get him back. It will also cover some things that you should never do, no matter how much you want to reunite with your ex.
Ready? Let’s get started!
If you want to move on, you should…
1. Focus on finding out who you are without him
After a breakup, the first essential thing that you need to do for yourself is focusing on finding out who you are without him.
When you’re in a relationship (especially for a long time), you lose a part of yourself because you were solely focused on maintaining and fighting for what you have with your loved one.
You stop doing things you used to enjoy. You compromise a lot.
You become more focused on your partner’s happiness than your own. And now is the perfect time to change that.
Now is the perfect time to find your inner passion again, to find a new hobby, to commit to yourself and people who mean a lot to you.
Now is the perfect time to spoil yourself with long, bubble baths; with your favorite cake, TV show or a drink. Don’t let him define your being—think about who you truly are without him.
That way, it will be easier for you to heal from your heartbreak, and it is also the perfect foundation for a healthy relationship if you ever decide to reunite again.
2. Think about what you want for yourself
Instead of only thinking about your failed relationship and all the things you could have had in the future, think about what you want for yourself.
Instead of only thinking about that one sentence: My boyfriend broke up with me and I don’t know what to do, ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship with someone who clearly, for some reason, doesn’t want the same thing?
Do you want to continue being in a relationship that is not reciprocal? If your answer is ‘no’, then you’re ready to move on.
And stop thinking that it was only your fault that your relationship has fallen apart.
Stop thinking that if you had done something different, you still would have been together.
Even if you cheated on him, your decision to do so didn’t happen overnight.
Both of you are responsible for it. Whatever the reason, remember that all the little things that happened in your relationship by both sides contributed to him deciding to break things up.
Once your mind absorbs all of this, you will become free, and you will start thinking more clearly about what you want for yourself instead of only thinking about your past.
3. Make a list of priorities for your new life
If you want to move on, it’s essential that you make a list of priorities for your new life.
Write down a few things that you want to achieve in the near future. If you want to finally learn to play that one instrument, write it down.
If you want to focus on improving your connection with other people that you didn’t have time for lately, write it down.
If you want to focus on your career, write it down. If you want to devote your time to your new hobbies, write it down.
It’s important that you set the goals you want to achieve because that will prevent you from constantly thinking only about your ex.
It will help you move on faster because when you’re fully focused on things that matter to you in life, you become the best version of yourself.
You become fulfilled, and you certainly don’t have time to think about texting your ex or liking his pictures on social media.
And if someday in the future, you happen to reunite for some reason, it will be easier to maintain a healthy relationship when you’ve already set your priorities.
4. The No contact rule
I’m pretty sure you’re all familiar with the no contact rule.
It basically means cutting all contact with your ex—blocking him on social media, not calling or texting him, not seeing him, and deleting his number if needed.
The no contact rule needs to be applied ASAP after a breakup because the sooner you cut all contact, the sooner you’ll heal and move on.
This rule was invented to help you get clean from all the negativity that accumulated in your relationship and to help you see things more clearly.
After all, you know what they say: “Far from the eyes, far from the heart”.
5. Avoid everything that reminds you of him
If you want to forget him and move on in record time, you need to strictly avoid everything that reminds you of him.
This includes things that he’s given you for your birthday and all the other gifts, going to the same restaurant you went to with him, going for a walk along the same route you went with him, and so on.
If you don’t want to discard everything he’s given to you, just put it in a bag and hide it somewhere in the house until you recover from your breakup and until those things start to mean nothing to you.
You would be surprised how the human brain can easily disconnect from things that used to mean a lot to a person.
For example, I still have some clothes from my ex that I wear regularly, and I seldom think about him when I wear them.
I no longer connect those clothes with the person I used to be in love with, rather with someone who once was a part of my life but now is just a distant memory.
6. Stop talking about him to other people
The number one mistake that many people make after a breakup is constantly talking about their ex to their friends or close people.
They think that if they keep talking about things that happened in the relationship or about how their partner was an ultimate a*shole, they will somehow magically cure themselves from all the pain they feel.
But, this will only do the opposite. The longer you mention your ex’s name and the longer you talk about him to other people, the longer you’ll feel miserable, and it will be impossible for you to move on.
It doesn’t matter if you’re mentioning his name in a positive or negative connotation because as long as he’s on your mind, you will not be able to think clearly and to do the right thing.
So, when you’re spending time with your friends, talk about all the fun things that you used to do before instead and make plans for the future.
Talk about life, laugh about things that are trending at the moment, talk about just anything, but do not talk about your ex.
7. In case you run into him, stay calm and move on
This is one of the biggest nightmares for everyone who wants to forget their ex. They spend lots of time thinking about what would they say or do in case they run into them.
They start thinking about tons of possible case scenarios, but they can’t decide which one they prefer most.
If you’re one of those people, forget about all of it. In case you run into your ex, the only thing you need to remember is to stay calm and move on.
Do not succumb to temptation to tell him everything that’s on your mind, to yell at him, let alone to start crying in front of him.
You don’t want to show him your weaknesses, and you don’t want him to think that you’re still crazy about him and that you’ll do anything just to reunite with him (even if all of this is true).
You need to focus on moving on because you owe it to yourself, and that’s why you should take a deep breath, stay calm, say a few words if you must and move on.
8. Do all of the above on repeat until something changes
Many people think that if they do all of the things above, they will forget their ex by tomorrow or by next week. But, this is not how things work.
I won’t lie to you. There will be moments when you will want to contact your ex, when you will want to do anything just to reach him even though you know you shouldn’t.
There will be times when you will want to give up on trying to move on because it won’t be easy.
It will be hard, but whenever you feel like giving up or whenever you feel like these things are not working, keep doing them until you start seeing results.
Keep doing all of the above on repeat until something changes, because, trust me, it will.
No matter how confused and hopeless you are at the moment, one day in the near future, you will wake up and realize that you no longer think about your ex at all.
And until that day comes, you mustn’t give up, and you mustn’t think that you’re too weak to follow your own path.
You’re a strong, independent woman, and you can do whatever the hell you want, only if you want to! Don’t ever forget that.
If you want him back, you should…
If you decide that you want to reunite with him and that you want him back, you need to do exactly the same things mentioned above as if you want to move on.
You need to do everything the same because once you apply these eight rules, there are two possible outcomes: You will either forget him and move on or he will reach out to you at one point.
And sometimes these two outcomes come in one package, and it’s up to you whether you want to delete him from your life permanently or try again.
My humble advice is that the only time you should really consider reuniting with him is if you still have strong feelings for him, you believe that you two belong together and that you will succeed in making things right.
Once you apply these eight rules, you will be ready to start a new chapter with or without him which is essential when it comes to establishing a healthy and happy relationship or continue living your best life solo.
WHAT YOU SHOULD NEVER DO?
In case your urge to reach your ex becomes uncontrollable, you need to remind yourself of the following: You should never try to talk your ex into staying with you! Why?
Because this is the worst thing you could do. It will both harm you and make him even more distant.
And if you need more reasons, here are a few things that your ex might think of you if you try to talk him into staying with you:
1. He will think of you as selfish and childish
If you constantly call him or text him for the purpose of trying to convince him that he should change his mind and come back to you, he will think of you as selfish and childish.
He will think of you as selfish or childish because you don’t think about how he feels about everything and the reasons why he did that in the first place.
It will look like the only one you’re thinking about is yourself and how you will feel once you reunite again. And you don’t want that.
You don’t want to be that kind of woman because it’s both toxic for your well-being, and it will not bring you anything good.
2. He will be afraid to change his mind
If you continue stalking him and trying to talk him into staying with you, you will make him afraid to change his mind because he will know that if he ever decides to leave you again, this will happen.
He will be afraid that you will lose your shit again once your relationship expires naturally or if something bad happens.
And no one likes to feel forced to do something just because someone else wants them to do it.
You need to let him decide on his own whether he wants to reunite with you or not.
3. You will not give him enough space and time to miss you
Trying to talk your ex-boyfriend into staying with you means not giving him enough space and time to miss you.
And that’s the main reason why you need to apply those eight rules above.
After a breakup, it’s essential that you give yourself enough time to think about what happened, to find yourself again, and to give him space and time as well to do the same.
After that, everything will be different for the both of you, and you will know what to do next.
What you need to do is let things happen at a natural pace!
Apply those eight rules and wait to see the results. If you’ve decided with all of your body and heart that you’re moving on then, don’t stop practising those rules until you finally succeed.
If you still want him back (for the right reasons), then give him some space and time to see that you’re a different woman and that you’re perfectly capable of being on your own.
And if he decides to reach you, don’t jump on him like he’s the only man in the world.
Keep nourishing your own life and keep being the strong woman that you are. If he recognizes it, then you know he’s the right man for you.
If he agrees on making a mutual effort, nourishing mutual respect, and fighting selflessly to bring the spark back into your relationship, then you know reuniting with him was the right thing to do!
Whatever you choose, I wish you best of luck (and plenty of patience)!