Healing is terrible. Healing is painful. Healing means facing the heartache and feeling the pain and torment again. It means reliving a heartbreak by spreading salt into the wound …
It means recognizing the pain and feeling it instead of drowning it in alcohol and food. Healing means having to live on, even if you are about to collapse and even if you miss the person who means so much to you.
It means putting on a brave face, straightening hair and make-up, and putting on a presentable look, even if that person lacks you. Even if you grieve. Even if you are a frightened wreck.
Healing leads to many sleepless nights, bad dreams and many, many tears in your car. Healing means having to face all the numbness and pain – all alone.
And that’s why we’re so scared of healing. We are afraid to heal because healing is a solo journey. Healing is a quiet, covert experience. We should heal, but also live on.
You see, when you heal, you have to suffer a significant loss without the one person at your side. Without the one person who wipes your tears and tells you that everything will be alright.
Healing means climbing uphill all the time, always investing extra effort and energy to do the things that used to be natural to you. It means having small talk with your staff without collapsing. Without showing your emotions. It means offering a wrong smile and empty laugh.
It does not mean pressing the send button and not sending the long emotional text stored in your phone as a draft, but dubbing all the feelings, questions, and thoughts. It does not mean to report to him, even if every fiber of your being wants to send that text.
Healing means making more baby steps forward, even if you feel that your world is collapsing and your heart is ripping every day. And healing also means facing up to all the pain without knowing when to recover.
It’s like climbing a mountain, all alone, without knowing when the summit will be visible. And that’s what makes healing so terrible.
But despite how scary healing can be and how terrible she can feel, please try not to be afraid. Try not to be so anxious to really heal.
I know that you are afraid of being better, acknowledging and accepting that it is over, and I know that it feels unbearable to you. It makes the loss real. And I know that you are not ready to accept it.
You do not want to get over him. You do not want to live without this person, or know what it feels like to be alone. I know how scary it feels. But I want you to know that you’re getting better and that you absolutely deserve to get better.
You deserve to lead a life without him, because in the end he was not right for you. In the end something was wrong. And you deserve it all right.
You are destined for so much more than this painful feeling. You are destined for a life full of love; the right kind of love, the best kind of love.
I can understand why you are scared. It’s okay to be scared. I know that heartbreak is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever go through. But believe me when I say that one day you will get well.
The pit in your stomach will disappear. The void is filled again. The brokenness heals with time. And life will be even more beautiful than it was before this heartbreak.
You will discover a special kind of love – yourself or someone else – and that is the right kind of love. A better kind of love. And you will have a life that is better for you. One day you will be even stronger and more fulfilled, not in spite of, but because of this loss.
Take it easy and grieve for the loss, but also make room in your life for the good. Make room in your life to make things better. Make room in your life so that you can grow in new directions.
I know that healing feels rocky and bad right now, but healing is a nice thing.
Healing means filling the broken areas with gold. Healing means finding happiness in a place that used to feel empty.
Healing means closing peace with something hard and finding the strength in you to keep going and move forward. Healing means recognizing the beauty that someone has brought into your life, but understanding that there are so many more beautiful things to come, just maybe in a different way than you expected.
Healing is good. The cure is positive. Healing is remarkably beautiful. So please, do not be so scared to heal. Feel the feelings, face the heartbreak and know that you are stronger than you think.
And when you heal, you have to know that it’s okay to miss him. It’s okay to admit that you wish he was here with you. And it’s more than alright to be sad. More than okay to shed crocodile tears.
You have lost someone you thought you would never lose. You lost someone you expected to be part of your forever story. And a loss that is so big deserves tears.
It deserves heartbreak. It deserves sadness. But it does not deserve that you mourn forever. It does not deserve tears every day for the rest of your life.
You deserve to heal. You deserve to get well. You deserve to know what it feels like to miss him, but also to agree to miss him. You deserve to continue growing and to be the best version of yourself, even if you are totally on your own, especially if you are.
You deserve to feel strong and courageous and brave. You deserve to fall in love with what you are.
I know that some days you will not feel so brave and ready to heal. You will not be ready to face the pain. These days, you should know that it’s okay to slow it down. It’s okay to take your time. It’s fine to heal gently and slowly.
Watch your favorite movie, make a car ride at night with open windows and listen to good music.
Call your sister or best friend or mother and howl out with them. Tell them how much you miss him. Spill your heart in your journal. Eat caramel filled chocolates or drink hot chocolate. In the simplest case, do not be so hard on yourself.
Do not try to heal for a specific timeline. And do not get ready if your heart is broken after weeks or months. You are not weaker if you take the time to heal.
And know that there is no fixed point at which you become “better”. There is no tomorrow when you wake up and when you will be completely “okay” again. There is no moment when you will get the feeling that you are healed and that you will finally be “alright”.
Healing takes place through a long series of moments. Little victories, little baby steps on the way. A series of small wins, in which one sees a shimmering glow in the dark. A series of moments when you completely forget your broken heart and feel just alive and present.
A series of moments when you feel like crying and then remember that you are okay, that you are safe. Healing will take place in all these small but precious moments.
Occasionally you will step back. That’s fine. Because I know that you will then go two steps forward.
Over time, you will begin to appreciate the things you once loved, the things you have neglected for far too long. You will begin to remember how happiness feels, and you will begin to feel small feelings of joy again.
You will be able to bake pancakes for breakfast and enjoy your coffee all by yourself, without going back in time when you see the cup he has always used. You will be able to go to your favorite café and read a book without paying attention to your broken heart.
You will be able to talk to your friends and even give them a real smile instead of a smile that does not reach your eyes. You will be able to think of the person you have lost without crying.
You will remember how beautiful it is to be alone, and you will remember how special life is. And you will finally have hope that things will get better. And somewhere along the way, you will start to find peace by missing him.
And then one day you will find that you are smiling more than crying.
You’ll find that you did not think about him all day. You’ll catch yourself laughing and realize that it’s been a long time since you heard that sweet sound. And you will have a deep feeling in your stomach that after all this time you will actually be well again.