I’m too nice. I’m too forgiving. I’m too much of a pushover.
I should have kicked you out of my world a long time ago, but for some reason, I keep allowing history to repeat itself.
You’ll screw up. Hurt me. Shatter my heart. Then I will swear to stop talking to you. I will attempt to cut you out of my world. I will decide that I deserve better than your poor treatment and promise to put myself first for a change.
Not long after that, you will apologize. You will show me a tiny bit of kindness and I will make a big deal out of it. I will convince myself it’s a sign you are going to change. I will force myself to believe the lies you tell about how you are sorry and are never going to f_-k up again.
I will foolishly get excited about how maybe we can make things work this time — and soon after I will end up disappointed.
Every time I give you another chance, you blow it. You act like things are going to be different but it ends the same exact way every single time.
I don’t know how you can keep making the same mistakes over and over again without seeing yourself as the bad guy. I don’t know how a person can be so clueless. So selfish. So unaware.
Every time I give you another chance, you make me regret it. You make me feel like a complete idiot for listening to the words coming out of your mouth. After everything you have done, I shouldn’t trust you. I shouldn’t rely on you. I shouldn’t want anything to do with you.
But every time I think about leaving you behind, I feel guilty, which is ridiculous since there is nothing more I can do to salvage our relationship. I was the only one who tried to fix things. I was the only one who put in actual effort.
It’s hard for me to admit that you are not someone who belongs inside of my world anymore. You are someone who has overstayed their welcome. Someone whose usefulness has expired.
As frustrated as I am with you, I’m not blaming you for my heartache anymore. At this point, you’re not the one I’m angry with when you hurt me for the hundredth time. I’m angry at myself. It’s stupid of me to think you will ever change. I’m gullible. I’m too eager to believe what I want to believe.
I want things to work out between us. I want to keep you in my universe. But you’re making it impossible.
I have given you a million chances, so many more than you deserve, but it’s time to stop the cycle. I have to accept that you are comfortable the way you are. You are never going to set things right. Your promises mean nothing. Your word cannot be trusted.
Giving you another chance wouldn’t solve anything, so I’m finally done. I’m finally saying goodbye.