YOU WILL SEARCH FOR ME IN ALL THE OTHERS BUT I WON’T BE FOUND

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She’s the girl who would have done anything for you. The kind of girl who bent over backward to make you happy. She’s the kind of girl who put your needs before her own. She would have loved you unconditionally.

She’s the girl who gave you cuddles and love when you were feeling down and out, or even just because. She’s the girl who gave you her body when she was afraid to do so. She’s the girl who gave you her heart, soul and mind because you convinced her to let go and she did it willingly because you ‘loved her’.

She’s the girl who loved to sit up talking to you until the early hours just to make you smile. She’s the girl who made you stare at her so intensely because she was herself. She’s the girl who would make a fool out of herself just to hear you laugh. She’s the naive girl who believed every word that you told her because she started to fall for you. She’s the idiot who continued to love you after you treated her so badly.

She’s the girl you will spend the rest of your life searching for.

You see, what you failed to notice was the girl standing right in front of you. When she looked deep into your eyes, this girl was looking for you to love her like she loved you. The girl who hugged you so tightly because she was so scared that if she let you go, you wouldn’t come back. You were too self-absorbed and selfish to see the girl standing in front of you slipping away because you thought she would always be there no matter what!

That girl would have been there if you had only opened your eyes and treated her with the love and respect she deserved. If you had treated her like your girlfriend and not like a piece of disposable trash once you were done.

She was the girl who never asked for much from you, only a fraction of your time. She’s the girl who understood your other commitments took place over her and she gave you all the space you needed even though it killed her. She’s the girl who only wanted a simple text now and then when you were too busy to say that you loved her’ or ‘missed her’. She’s the girl who craved the attention you used to give her. The girl who accepted that she would never be a priority in your life but settled to get pieces of you as and when you’d give them.

Your girl should never have settled for as long as she did. She’s the girl who deserves to be someone’s number one priority, she’s the girl who deserves to be loved unconditionally just like she loved you. She deserves the world and you could have given her that. It was right in front of your face. She didn’t deserve to be left out in the cold all alone because you abandoned her so cruelly that she had no choice but to walk away. You broke her after she had just fixed herself.

This girl didn’t want to walk away, she gave you so many chances for you to understand what she was asking from you. It wasn’t a lot! She never asked you for half as much as she gave to you. This girl wanted to be needed, wanted and cared for. She was NEVER a dependent or ‘clingy’ girl—you confused your past relationships with one that was based purely on affection and love. You allowed your past to ruin the best thing that could have happened to you. This girl didn’t want to feel so alone when she was with you. This girl soon realized that your love was a lie, you couldn’t have loved her like she loved you because if you had, you would have done anything to keep her.

She’s the girl who laughed at your hurtful jokes about something she was insecure about just so you wouldn’t know she was crying inside. She’s the girl who started to sacrifice her own happiness just so you could have yours. She’s the girl who expected nothing from you and actually got nothing. She’s the girl who would lie awake at night beside you, sobbing because you had stopped embracing her in your arms but would instead turn your back on her. She’s the girl you got into a relationship with, the one you led to believe you wanted.

She’s the girl you broke, whose heart you tore into two, all because you didn’t realize what you had—you had her at, “Morning beautiful.” It became all about you and never about her, never about ‘us’. She’s the girl you slowly stopped contacting, hoping she would just ‘go away’, when once all you did was overwhelm her. She’s the girl who hoped you weren’t lying when you told her you ‘loved’ her. She’s the girl who waited by her phone for the text she knew she would never receive. She’s the girl whose heart would be in her mouth when you canceled seeing her. She’s the girl who once shined so brightly but your harsh interior rapidly dimmed her light.

You told the girl you love (loved) that she exhausts you because she is a happy, bubbly person, the girl you said you would do anything for, the girl you begged to let you in and not to run away. The girl you said deserved more and that you could show her that. The girl you made your girlfriend when deep down you wanted a fling.

The girl who trusted you, the girl who you once kissed on the forehead and held in your arms.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t open up to, who you wouldn’t let in, even though she tried so hard to be the one to ‘get you’. She’s the girl who you pushed away with your insecurities and inability to be honest about your demons. She’s the girl you rejected again and again toward ‘the end,’ with your cold and detached demeanour.

She’s the girl you wouldn’t become emotionally available for. The girl you never took on an actual date, the girl you never really thought about anymore, the girl who still loved you and all of your flaws. She’s the good girl who you ‘ghosted’ because you are a coward who never grew a backbone enough to let her go.

THAT GIRL WAS ME.

I was the girl who would make your life better. I was the girl who would have your back through the good and the bad times. I was the girl capable of loving you like nobody else would or could. I am the girl you couldn’t keep!

It’s only in time that you will understand the pain and the hurt you have put this girl through. She never deserved that, not once did she ever cause you so much heartache.

When you wake up alone craving everything you once had and didn’t fight for, only then will you want, miss and need this girl who begged you not to hurt her. You will then feel everything that she felt and more—you will have one of the biggest mistakes you have ever made haunting you. You will regret letting her go. Go have all the one-night stands you want, go do all the things in your schedule that you wouldn’t ‘fit’ her into… You will one day wake up and realize what you had but she is now gone.

What you should have known is this and she told you enough… She is a woman who knows her worth, she’s a woman who would never put up with the same shit for too long. She’s a woman who had to make one of the hardest decisions in her life and that was to leave the man she loved behind, as he was slowly killing her.

This diamond will eventually find the man who would do ANYTHING for her, the king to her queen. The MAN who would die for her and not use her as a shield.

You’re the guy who everyone calls an ‘idiot’ because of your actions.

You will soon find that she’s the girl you will be searching for in every other person but I will tell you now, you will never find her. Why? Because she was already standing by your side but you lost her while you were too busy ignoring her existence.

You were the other part of me, now you’re the guy I used to know.

From the girl who will never look back.

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